Joyfullness's Blog

Written October 26, 2009

joyfullness — Mon, 16 May 2011 19:24:16 +0000

I’m off on my own again. The feeling of being surrounded yet alone is suffocating. I’d rather be alone and feel surrounded. So I go out alone, and I feel your presence immediately. You are all around me. The way the leaves are colored and the way the twisted, old trees look in the afternoon sun. You are glorious. I breathe in the cold crisp air and wonder how it can be so cold yet burn at the same time. You are a mystery to me, you make my mind swirl with questions. I’ve long badgered you with my silence, and how long it’s lasted I’m not even sure anymore. In the midst of barely hearing my voice I’ve cried for you in agony to help me. Despite the fact I barely acknowledged you as God as you deserved, I hardly gave you the praise you deserved, you offered your hand to me still. You reached down to me and carried me out of the mud hole.
You lead me to road I’ve walked many times, but each time I find it even more enchanting. It is never the same twice. There is always something new to observe as I walk this dark, dirt road that is totally surrounded by trees. It’s so quite, save the sound of wind in the trees, that my heart jumps at the sound of my own footfalls. I walk around the corner that I’ve been around before and know what to expect, but again there is always something unexpected to send my pulse racing. As I take this walk down the familiar woody road with my camera I realize, I am constantly slipping and backsliding in my relationship with you, God. I go right back to almost the beginning. I turn around and face away from you, and then walk away. I know what I do is wrong, but I don’t know how to right myself. That is when you take me by the shoulders, look me in the face and telling me softly that you love me. You take my hand and walk back the same road I just walked and point out the new things to me. Things I never saw before or never realized.
God, you are awesome! You never tire of coming back for me. Even if I do it a thousand time you will always come back running for me, take my hand, put your arm around me, or pick me up and walk with me again. You will never let me go. You love me too much to do that. If either of us gave up, it would create an ache that is impossible to bear for the both of us. Anyone that doesn’t have you is automatically unhappy and utter wretched.
And now here I stand, looking into your face with your hands on my shoulder. Take my hand and show me again the road I’ve already walked. Don’t let me go. Hold me tight to you, God. I think if I stray for you again I wouldn’t make it. Show me more of your beauty, God. I want to drink it in. I want to walk hand in hand with you forever.

Written November 3, 2008

joyfullness — Mon, 16 May 2011 19:23:27 +0000

I really love to sing, it’s a gift that God has definitely given to me, and I do my best not to boast about it or make it seem like I’m prideful in my voice. I am on the vocal team for my youth group and regular Sunday morning church vocal team. For a long time I wasn’t taking it the way I was supposed to. When I was in fifth grade I sort of dreamt of being on the vocal team, and once I was asked to be on it, I took it as “Oh my word! Finally, they think my voice it good enough!” I’ve been on both vocal teams for a year and a half to about two years, and every time I was asked to sing I wasn’t thinking “I get to lead people in worship!”, I was thinking more of “Yay! I get to sing on a stage with a microphone!” So I wasn’t taking it seriously.
Usually I’m an introvert when it comes to worship. I’d so much rather sit in a corner singing my heart out with my eyes closed and crying. That is usually how I worship best. So while I’m leading worship, I have to basically make it a performance, which is NOT what worship is supposed to be about. When I realized that is what I was doing, I tried really hard to stop doing that, to just worship more outwardly with my heart, instead of inwardly. It was really hard.
Tonight I was on vocal team for the middle school youth group at my church, and some of those kids have an attention span of zero. Seeing how they weren’t taking it seriously almost made me depressed, and it was hard to make it seem like I was worshiping. So that is when I prayed. While I was singing I closed my eyes, and I just asked God to block it all out so I could focus on him and not worry about what I looked like or what I sounded like. It was the first time I truly worshiped on stage while I had a microphone in my hand. It was wonderful. Basically my full focus was on God, and not on the note a messed up a little bit on.
It really does make me so sad when I see people not taking worship seriously. I saw some young boys tonight that were acting pretty disrespectfully, and clearly showing with their actions they weren’t into the music at all. No matter what age group I’m helping lead worship to, majority of the people are just standing their looking at you with a blank stare. It pains me.
One thing does offer me comfort though. I loved, absolutely loved watching three of my best friends sitting in the front of the room all worshiping their hearts out. Each one of them were so inspiring to look at. Just looking at their faces and seeing such tranquility made me so happy, and it made me feel closer to God. When I get discouraged by blank faces, I know all I need to do is look at my friends Christine, Abby, and Kristy and I’ll be reminded of why I’m in the spotlight in the first place. I’m worshiping God.

Song I wrote a while ago.

joyfullness — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 22:40:31 +0000

(One of the only songs that I have written that I actually want to attempt to put music too, I’m just not skilled in that area yet. But I wrote this at least a year ago, if not longer.)

I gently lift my head from my hands.
I struggle to wipe the look from my face,
And I replace it with a smile, again.
People ask what’s wrong, but I just can’t tell.
I say I’m just tired; I didn’t get enough sleep last night.

Maybe that is true.
But really, I was up all night trying to correct my mistakes.

Chorus:
I feel so full of error.
It’ll take a miracle to fix me.
I’m not sure how much more I can take.
I think I’ll fall apart soon.
I need my Jesus tonight.

I still didn’t do my homework.
When will I learn some discipline?
But yet, I sit here late at night chatting with friends.
I complain how I hate school.
But really, I want to become smarter.

Maybe that is true.
But really, I hate myself for not doing the right thing.

Chorus:
I feel so full of error.
It’ll take a miracle to fix me.
I’m not sure how much more I can take.
I think I’ll fall apart soon.
I need my Jesus tonight.

My friends, I’m sorry if I failed you.
I try to be the best I can.
I try to make you happy, sacrificing my peace.
I know it’s better to be unselfish.
But this weight on my shoulders is getting too strong.

That is true.
But I know, through Christ all things are possible.

Chorus:
My mistakes are forgiven.
His miracle has made me whole.
Jesus gives me strength to hold on.

He holds me together,

And I’m praising him tonight.