Joyfullness’s Blog

There really is no point to this blog. The feeling of writing anything at all is overwhelming at the moment. There are no solid thoughts to pin point and nail down. They are just roaming free in a mind. Random and mixed up. Their subjects are depressing, hopeful, happy, sad, and frustrating to understand. Understand used to be easy, but now it takes what seems to be years to unravel some mysteries.

What is my heart truly feeling? It’ll be filled with happiness it is ready to burst one minute, then the next it’s all battered and bruised and an unlimited amount of stitches and scars. I’m not even one hundred percent sure what it is my heart desires most anymore. I used to know exactly what that was, but now I’m so undecided about everything that even my nails are different colors. What if I do one thing with my life, and then realize that isn’t what I’m best at. What I think one way of serving God is in reality draining me? When you do something for God, but it is taking more out of you than it is benefiting you as well as others, it’s just not it. I haven’t found my place yet. I don’t know where I fit in. Everything I do leaves me drained. All but one.

I love singing. When I sing to God, there could be a fire burning around me and I wouldn’t care. If I allow myself, I’ll get lost in God. I get giddy on him. But my bubble is burst when I’m told I’m not good enough, when I’m not given a chance. I need to sing! It’s who I am. But the more and more time that goes on that I’m not given the chance, the more and more convinced I am that it’s not what is right for me. Even the things I love are surrounded with drama and exhaustion.

Is this really life? Is all service to God going to leave you feeling drained? Or is there something better? Something that I don’t know of yet that will be the perfect way to serve God and praise him without harming myself?

Or is it just me? Is there something wrong with me? Am I not focusing enough? Am I giving myself too many distractions when I stay up almost all night and watch movies and listen to other types of music and I give into the gloomy thoughts that pollute my mind? Is that it? I know… It’s my sinful nature.

We all have it. And I hate it. If there was one time I could destroy with my bare hands I wish it could be the sinful nature in human beings. It pulls us away from God, the one that we ache to be with. Without we are nothing, and we are going to die. And when there is anything that takes away, takes our focus away from Him, I want to hate it and uproot it.

But getting rid of that is too big a task for a small insignificant girl like myself. Who am I? I’m just Joy. I’m God’s daughter and beautiful creature. I can’t do anything without him. I also can’t out think him or out smart him. He has a plan, and its the best plan that will ever be created. I don’t completely understand it. But I’m going to follow it as best I can without knowing all if it. I’m just going to take one step at a time. Put one foot in front of the other. I’m going to keep loving God and loving people. And I’ll keep reminding myself that if I don’t stray like I have in the past, I keep going through all the hard times and all the times that I don’t understand, it’ll be the greatest reward I have ever know. All because of Jesus.

Someone can go a long time without offering service to anyone. They can be complacent and lazy, and sometimes not even realize it. I did that. It’s only when I got up from the dinner table the other night and started to wash dishes that I realized it had been months since I filled the sink up with water and washed all the pots and pans. And I realized how much I liked the feeling of doing this little act of kindness.

Yesterday at church, I went to a different service than I usually go to. I’ve been going to the same service for months (maybe years) now. When I sat down, my friend and I were asked if we wanted to help serve communion. I used to do that every Sunday, and I’m not too sure why I stopped. When I got up to get the communion plates I realized it had also been months since I did anything to serve anyone at my church. Getting out of my seat and doing something for someone else made me smile. I hadn’t done it in a while, and it felt good.

I truly didn’t have a clue of how complacent I was while I was. I was so caught up with what was going on with school, and work, and my own emotions that I wasn’t paying attention to helping out someone else. Don’t let laziness creep up on you like it did to me. The realization of it is horrible. Don’t stop helping your mom clean the kitchen. Don’t stop keeping your room clean. Don’t stop being involved in your church, your community, or even your fellowship with others.

I’m off on my own again. The feeling of being surrounded yet alone is suffocating. I’d rather be alone and feel surrounded. So I go out alone, and I feel your presence immediately. You are all around me. The way the leaves are colored and the way the twisted, old trees look in the afternoon sun. You are glorious. I breathe in the cold crisp air and wonder how it can be so cold yet burn at the same time. You are a mystery to me, you make my mind swirl with questions. I’ve long badgered you with my silence, and how long it’s lasted I’m not even sure anymore. In the midst of barely hearing my voice I’ve cried for you in agony to help me. Despite the fact I barely acknowledged you as God as you deserved, I hardly gave you the praise you deserved, you offered your hand to me still. You reached down to me and carried me out of the mud hole.

You lead me to road I’ve walked many times, but each time I find it even more enchanting. It is never the same twice. There is always something new to observe as I walk this dark, dirt road that is totally surrounded by trees. It’s so quite, save the sound of wind in the trees, that my heart jumps at the sound of my own footfalls. I walk around the corner that I’ve been around before and know what to expect, but again there is always something unexpected to send my pulse racing. As I take this walk down the familiar woody road with my camera I realize, I am constantly slipping and backsliding in my relationship with you, God. I go right back to almost the beginning. I turn around and face away from you, and then walk away. I know what I do is wrong, but I don’t know how to right myself. That is when you take me by the shoulders, look me in the face and telling me softly that you love me. You take my hand and walk back the same road I just walked and point out the new things to me. Things I never saw before or never realized.

God, you are awesome! You never tire of coming back for me. Even if I do it a thousand time you will always come back running for me, take my hand, put your arm around me, or pick me up and walk with me again. You will never let me go. You love me too much to do that. If either of us gave up, it would create an ache that is impossible to bear for the both of us. Anyone that doesn’t have you is automatically unhappy and utter wretched.

And now here I stand, looking into your face with your hands on my shoulder. Take my hand and show me again the road I’ve already walked. Don’t let me go. Hold me tight to you, God. I think if I stray for you again I wouldn’t make it. Show me more of your beauty, God. I want to drink it in. I want to walk hand in hand with you forever.

“Lean on me, when you’re not strong. And I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on. For it won’t be long, til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on.”

We can’t deny it, we all need people. We need friends. Life just tends to suck without them. As for me, I hate going out with large groups of people because I’m not the most talkative person and I always am the tag along with everyone else. It doesn’t even need to be in a large group, it can easily happy with four other people or two other people. God gave us each other. It’s so irritating when someone stops, sees me and notices I need someone to help me, and then I see that person also needs someone to lean on, but if I reach out to them, they back away. I’ve had that happen to me so much. The one time I didn’t reach out as much as I should have, I lost a close friend.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this, I’m sort of just rambling. I guess I’m just encouraging you, if you see someone by themselves, not really participating, make sure they are alright. I know what it feels like to be neglected.

There really isn’t much time for me to write right now, I need to get ready for work. As of today I’m starting to do an electronic break for about two weeks. Why? One: because I spend too much time on the computer, get distracted by my phone, and I watch way to many movies. Two: all of the reasons for number one have caused me to stray far from God.

A few nights ago I felt like I just had woken up from sleep walking, and I had absolutely no clue where I was. I still feel a little lost. I don’t know which path God wants me to take or which path will lead me closer to Him. While hanging out with a friend I realized just how far I had strayed from God because for the first time ever I had to stop myself from swearing just with normal every day things, I wasn’t mad about anything and yet I caught myself right before I was about to swear.  It’s never happened before, I don’t swear. I yell at my friends for swearing.

Also, I have been going to friends more than I have been going to God. If something happens, I don’t pray immediately, I hop online and see if someone is on to talk to, or I call someone. I just keep putting God on the back burner. And I can definitely tell its getting to me.

Like I said, I don’t have much time to write because I need to go to work soon, but I just wanted people to know why I’m not answering their facebook messages, or why I’m not answering my phone. If you have anymore questions, feel free to ask when my two weeks are up. (I am also thinking of making the break last until school is over for me, which is May 29.)

Isn’t it amazing to know that we are healed? No matter what we have done, no matter what has been done to us, no matter how deep our scars are… we are healed. The mistake we made years ago that left us scared, we are cured from that. God healed us! With the death of his son, we are healed! There really isn’t much to say on that subjuect, but just to stand amazed at it. With all  I have done, I’d say I deserve my scars, I don’t deserve to be free of them.

Basically, just watch these videos in order as they are.

(Hint: Let them load first!)

(One of the only songs that I have written that I actually want to attempt to put music too, I’m just not skilled in that area yet. But I wrote this at least a year ago, if not longer.)

I gently lift my head from my hands.
I struggle to wipe the look from my face,
And I replace it with a smile, again.
People ask what’s wrong, but I just can’t tell.
I say I’m just tired; I didn’t get enough sleep last night.

Maybe that is true.
But really, I was up all night trying to correct my mistakes.

Chorus:
I feel so full of error.
It’ll take a miracle to fix me.
I’m not sure how much more I can take.
I think I’ll fall apart soon.
I need my Jesus tonight.

I still didn’t do my homework.
When will I learn some discipline?
But yet, I sit here late at night chatting with friends.
I complain how I hate school.
But really, I want to become smarter.

Maybe that is true.
But really, I hate myself for not doing the right thing.

Chorus:
I feel so full of error.
It’ll take a miracle to fix me.
I’m not sure how much more I can take.
I think I’ll fall apart soon.
I need my Jesus tonight.

My friends, I’m sorry if I failed you.
I try to be the best I can.
I try to make you happy, sacrificing my peace.
I know it’s better to be unselfish.
But this weight on my shoulders is getting too strong.

That is true.
But I know, through Christ all things are possible.

Chorus:
My mistakes are forgiven.
His miracle has made me whole.
Jesus gives me strength to hold on.

He holds me together,

And I’m praising him tonight.

Right now, I don’t think I can come up with the words to express my emotions at this point. God is just so awesome. I’m just speechless for what he has been doing. I have never before been as fascinated by watching a massive amount of snow hit the windshield as I was tonight, despite the fact that we had to go no more than 30 MPH or else we have spun out. But a year ago, I don’t think I would have really cared about how beautiful the snow was.

Last weekend I worked at a camp, it is called Camp Berea, (and I personally think it’s the best camp ever, but that is beside the point,) and God surprised me there, as he often does. During chapel one of the nights, he showed me what he was doing in my life for the past year or so, and I was brought to tears by how amazing he is and by the fact that he never gave up on me. Despite the horrible stuff I do, and am still tempted to do, or what my thoughts may be at times, he still loves me so much that he sent his only son to die in my place. I’ve known that for so long, but every time I stop to think about it, I’m still blown away by that. It’s something that none of us should ever get accustomed to, we should always think about it and still be brought to our knees. 

I don’t really know what I was writing for, I’ve just had so much going on that I felt so many emotions floating around that I just need to get out. I’ve been humbled, I’ve been happy, I’ve been depressed, I’ve realized that I am one selfish person. I’ve gotten too comfortable to just sit at home and watch movies and basically feed my own sinful desires, and now it’s really starting to aggravate me. I’m not sure what God wants me to do exactly, but I cannot wait to find out. One of my main desires, besides wanting to by God’s side forever, is to help others go to him. I just really wish I could help people see how amazing he is, or at least just be a part in helping people, because it really is all up to God.

Before I can help other people, I need to right myself. I recently found myself struggling with certain things again. I’m so thankful God has given me the strength to get to my own year anniversary of since I stopped cutting. And I am going to do my best to rely on his strength, and I encourage others to do so also. But I have slipped recently, as everyone does, because we are far from perfect. I’m just so happy God has extended his grace towards me and you.

The only thing I can feel is an ache.